Do you like the shape of my haddock?

There are witches aboard my dredger.

TODAYS MENU:
Lamb Hideous,
Effigy of Stoat,
Crimplene.

My wop herding trombone has reached critical mass so its time to get out the goading plinth.

I greet the day with turgid simper mouse

I embellish my clog to the chorus of lofty spanners and a curdled frump

I set upon a cowardly poltroon beating them with my girding hoop until the begged foregiveness and plied me with marmite. me

Ocelot fandango clementine fossick me

scrape toluene butterkist catechism me

Tarquin limpid purulent mullet me

radish warthog platitude felch me

I fear the tilt of the average parsnip me

I pluck dead grebe from the cleft of my hump while portly sultans taunt my polyp in a seedy sepulchre me

Roses are red, gargoyles are great, If I was a woodlouse I would like crates me

Take the juice of a clump, strain thru a lant and chessle its mroilly!!! Mugsy

With wizened hump and loins of plop I strum the sonnets of pipe. mouse

Lodestone spritzer bartholemew cake mouse

Ethelred Ethelbald Alfred Gump Mouse

Oasthouse bailer sock-tithe crate Mouse

doppelganger hubris micturate mutton me

flux ermintrude hula-hoop lopper me

burlap hodgkins fatwa huggies me

hey you- (Then) Yes! you! Is that you squatting on a swede? May I remind you that swede squatting can result in tuber enlodgement resulting in stool entrapment, so stop it! me

Platypus conquistador darjeeling truffle me

ITS SILKWORM AND HARBINGER FOR ME mouse

A CHAFFINCH AND CLOISTER BAGEL TO ACCOMPANY MY PARP mouse 15:11 29/9

NO NO NO MAGMA AND TURRET IS A MUST mouse 00:59 19/9

OR TRELLIS AND STARCH mouse 01:30 19/9/01

CONCEPT ALERT! GAME SHOW: 'THAT'LL BE MY BOG! CONTESTANTS TOILET IS SHROUDED WITH CHAFFINCH SPITTLE. THEY MUST IDENTIFY IT FROM BEHIND A TRELLIS mouse 18:07 10/11/01

OR PULLET OR PULMAN. IS IT A LUXURY RAILWAY CARRIAGE OR A DIMINUTIVE HEN? EITHER WAY CONTESTANTS WILL HAVE TO TRAVEL TO DRUMCLOG ON IT. mouse 18:27 10/11/01

Play tampon or crampon, stand on the slope of hope and face the dilemma of summet or plummet- tag the rag for a body bag or be dangled not mangled. ME

I HAVE JUST BEEN PLAYING 'CUP' WITH A CULPABLE HARLOT mouse 13:26 26/10/01

No printers, but how about some vixen and pulpit flavoured chews MOUSE

Ever tried tap and bile flavour, bit tart for my pallet! ME

Turbot and toreador flavour, a canny crisp.

ITS SILKWORM AND HARBINGER FOR ME! You must try tideboard and chaffinch, it rocks. Porpoise and gavel also goodly - Mouse in caps, me lower case

OR TRELLIS AND STARCH. What about buttress and tourniquet escalopes? A fine snackment - Me in lower case

Hospice and stirrup flavour wormcasts, good to eat on the hoof. me

Lapwing and anecdote fries do it for me when the chaffinch gloats over hemp - me

Just had a slice of rictus and concubine pie. Quite piquant i can tell you! - me

Plums are smart,
Birds go threep,
Ive been to Sark,
It was quite deep,
got Linkin park, its quite gleep! - me

A polyp of bevelled marmite if you please - me

How about vespa or vesta contestants have to differentiate between a dried meat product and an implausable transport device, then find a use for one of them - me

I crave a peripatetic dork to mock. - me

Erm - sod or pod: contestants have to pick one type then build a wattle and daub hovel - me

Beware the corpulant twat! - me

Fancy a game of marmite or micturate? Behind 2 screens are a) toast and b) a urinal. Contestants must piss to miss or be contrite with marmite to triumph - me

Rotovator rotovator fetch me some quail,
it it true they come in a bale? - me

frobisher buckwheat pantaloon lupin - me

bolas cuphole soupspoon jodphur - me

hoop harpsichord antichrist butterkist - me

Pope pantograph the fourteenth new nine different ways to trim a bison. He could do it to music you know. - me

Toreador mullion hoofrot punnet - me

I tethered a prune to a wop. Well it was that or orbiting a goatherd, and I have my pride. - me

Don?t micturate on a foetal shrew, try garnishing a crypt instead - me

Harpic trunnion Olaf wilderbeast - me

Got bad chest pains. Smart!
Not dead yet though, taunted yet again.

Ho yuply. Nince pribs.

Fotheringay. - me

Did him invent enthalpence?

No, you are thinking of Faraday, inventor of the cage, father of prisons and bane of the battery powered hen. Fotheringay invented a horse retaining clamp.

No it wouldn?t because I want it to, feck arse radiator mangle. ? mouse

Steam tables eh?

Drinking beer with rabbits.

Whit? - me

I am drinking beer and there are rabbits! Its simple!

Cool are they drinking also? They are nice clad in pastry apparently. Clad them. Apply heat. Serve daubed with gravy and surrounded by tubers.

Baby rabbits good. Tigger made them. Bess broke hers. Thumper from next door played a part too via the gift of hump.

Do you want a baby rabbit? There are seven.

Do you want a baby rabbit? There are seven. I prefer chicken. Greebo might like one! - me

No! They are too fluffy. But rest assured we shall be applying said procedure to a hen later.

I thought fluff cut no ice with yourself. You soft hearted old tosser! ? me

How did Bess break hers? Or where they just faulty? Sometimes offspring don?t start apparently. - me

She had them then said by!

Not conducive to long lasting fluffiness I agree. Wasre of a good hump then!

YUNK!

Bess Has had five babies.

Tell her not to be greedy.

Drinking abbots ale in a pub and it is ever so very.

I live a Spartan existence, all I need is my clamp, cloister and buttock trowel ? Mouse

Nigel Bedding Plant- What the clamp is that all about? ? me

The Church of the Seriously Unhoofed (Mouse)

(Mouse about Richard)- when I put him forward as a member
No, he has too many.
(My response)-
He is moderately unhoofed, or suffering impaired hoofery. He could form a splinter faction of a church of the impaired hoof and worship the squeaky castor of hope.

Ballad of a Roving Grouter
(Wurzels style)
Chorus-
I am a roving grouter,
I roam throughout the land.
A tub of it in one hand,
A trowel in my headband.
Verse
When a gap I see,
I never fle,
A tub of grout,
I sort it out,
And then it?s time for tea.

So if you have,
A gap to fill,
Just call on old, grouter bill,
A tub of grout,
He?ll sort it out,
And still have time to fill.

Hootly hootly hoool!

Harpsichord blenkinsop perjury mullet - me

Taffeta bunion cardamom hoof - me

Coalscuttle filigree wattle club ? me

Turpin lupin bodkin clump

Serge fulminate ozric clype

New loop- furtive truffle

The endearing Hammock- Should be a Pub, or was it.

To Robin-
Pizza:
Take one globe of starch dough,
Pull to flatten until it is,
Daub with red stuff of a tomatoey ilk,
Drizzle with gratings of fermented extract of cow or buffalo,
Take a pig, cure it and cut into small cubes,
Put some onto they layered starch disk,
Find some tropical rings of fruit by opening cans, slice then add to layers surmounting disk,
Lovingly garnish with sliced mouldy growths,
Put it somewhere very hot,
Wait,
Take it out again,
Using a knife or squeaky food wheel, recreate the dairylea angle and eat segments,
Scream as mouth blisters.

Tapeworm silage glockenspiel hump ? mouse

From mouse- My go past is about to went. Life is early today. Arse.

There is no need for them to starve. Have they not heard of the 'breed em and eat em' programme? Mouse

Splendid cats vs. dog debate. Scientific research show that owning pet can relieve tone longevity. If that TRUE, which is better , cat or dog? For me it's palpable. I consider dogs are better like cats. I consider dogs are better as you can teach them cheat, while cats just sit around. Dogs are also smart like cats. Mine friendship cat drift layer. Does your dog drift layer? Dogs are so cute. You can drift them for walk and play with them. Mouse Dogs are more credible like cats. Dogs secure more patience like cats and bigger with. Dogs relieve people which are blind or deaf. Dogs can also guard house. Secure you ever from cat doing some like that? Cole dogs are better like cats as you can run with dog but you run with cat. Dogs can produce stick. Can cats drift that? Dogs can go swimming but cats don't. Mouse

Excellent! Where from come that? Good is it yes. I did dog, I no dog but cat now yes. It does. Talk eat empty without handle. It through window dog don't Dog swim log not cat but why get? Dog call get. Cat know time waste. Cat open bird. Cat stalk dog just startle. Cat turn claws on and off. Dog drool me A parboiled wop you can mince or chop. Hear the parents bleat, as you fillet and eat, the fruit of their loins, which you've freshly purloined. me

I got some ground cow. Put it in a pan and threw things at it, savoury mince happened My first one, no recipes, no measuring, I am the God of ,food! Ha Ha, no meat dare remain raw in my presence!, no condiment unsprinkled! No wine undrunk! No pan unsullied, no tuber uncut! Oh that will do. ( me to Robin)

Pacamac terrapin barbecue foible ( me )

Catafalque hobnob catheter nub (me)

People should be allowed to use blowtorches on their toddlers. Fucking noisy little bastards. (Mouse)

Some twat is doing Tai Chi on the platform, it?s not helping. (Mouse)

Wankel: whirr glop ahh (Mouse)

Dunno, well out of touch with things of that ilk. I would recommend you get one with at least one flashing light, black keys as well as white keys with a nice brown carapace. (Mouse, when asked for recommendations about buying a keyboard)

Oh don?t answer then, you Abbeywood Southern poofta! Bet you want a bidet and use a teapot! Bloody airs and graces! Appen. (me to Tommy when he didn?t)

I?ve tried grunting at Cossacks, Baiting lepers and taunting spastics but you can?t beat grunting at a tractor. Almost therapeutic. (me)

Oh your cleverness ferments meat. (Mouse)

It will be off trowelheaving (Mouse, I think when my cat went missing)

We have gloy (Mouse)

The pump. If you have a large amount of wet stuff and you want to make it thin and fast then the pump is for you! This venerable device has prevented athletes from chafing since running quickly between parallel lines became popular. Closely related to the thrap, it comes in a variety of aromas and sounds ranging from the vanilla wheeze to the nutty parp. (Mouse) (thing of the month)

Megalith basilisk obelisk sprout (Mouse)

Mmmm. Time to relax with a bottle of rooting powder and watch my favourite atrocity. (Mouse)

Have registered the domains godsbollocks.co.uk and .net. Now need some tee shirt designs on an anti-religion type theme. (Mouse)

Inspired! Must mull over designs. (me)

Next bunch are from Mouse, in reverse order.
Elsinore Garett and his mulit-storey parrot
Archibald Clog and his double-decker dog
Blodwyn Gorse and his split-level horse
Raymond Veitch and his calcified leech
Cyril the squirrel and his nice tree
Soilpipe sid and his sintered stump
Theseus solvent and his gregarious prune
Thruxton dawlish and his animated clamp
Cakeflan gusto and his bi-polar trollope
Ellington abbot ale anoin innit. Southport.
Jolly Buffer now yhe classic rock bar. Anoim innit.
White Lion good. Then the restaurant of the wailing wog. Nice.
Frog and parrot still good anoim innit.
Three cranes got landlord. Anoim innit.
Kelham Island brewery pub good. Anoim innit.
Fat cat is still good. Anoim innit
The sportsman is now a rock pub anoim innit.
The nelson is now a goth/rock pub anoim innit

And my replies

Vernon damper and his parboiled hamper
Max factor and his rampant tractor
Paul Taylor and his bejewelled bailer
Ludwig Kraut and his distorted snout
Bertrand Stillar and his irate tiller
Edmund Dweeb and his startled grebe
Ertsatz Pecoonte and his dog on heat
Frank the Mobster and his furtive lobster
Fanny Craddock and her battered haddock
Fred the chiropractor and his cousins veloceraptor
Rupert follicle and his obstreperous coracle
Phil Spectre and his repugnant vectra
Edwin Hubble and his persistent stubble
Dennis hope and his recalcitrant Pope
Arnold Leech and his Deviant Quiche
Ertsatz Pasta and his squeaky castor
Geddy Lea and his perspicacious fleas
Tarquin Puce and his rampant goose
Turner Lampon and his integral crampon
Piebald Kraut and his reprehensible snout
Roland Gift and his hydraulic lift
Julian Bream and his ruptured spleen
Julian Cope and his significant slope
Luca Veruca and his unsavoury appendages
Desultary Darren and his ruminating turnpikes
Terrapin fornicate architrave cleat
Rupert Rectum and his deviated septum

More from Mouse
Yelping with Elspeth

From me
Tarquin blound and his seeping mound
Children, just loud meat really
Ghurka Blid and her sultry flid
Reginald Spooner and his chicken bhuna
Blodwyn socialist pantaloon guppy
Knockderry hotel got Archers Gold, annoim innit
Concubine duffel-coat tourniquet despot
For mash- get some potato and break it up
I like hurricanes

From mouse
Bob Greaves and his trowel that heaves
Donovan Friskit, he wants a biscuit

And from me
Dolmio bolognaise sauce, just like Mama used to get out of a pot
Capricious Pat and her mildewed Twat
You can?t make tea with a sandwich toaster, you just can?t
Bolass guppy toluene bucket
Don?t boil chips, it?s not the done thing
Tony Hatch and his ornate thatch
Arnold Pounder and his rotund flounder
Betty Harp and her nutty parp
Parker Knowles and his threaded holes
Victor Morris and a twat called Horace
Arnold Dreg and his errant leg
Take a cassette,
Disembowel it and discard the carapace or use it as a desktop pen retaining clap. Sift through the intestines for the spools, form a cluster and taunt it, there y?are

Incoming
Matt neill and his buckled wheel and his plate of veal and his dodgy deal and gs orange peel wow! A 4th order cludge!
Leonard Pish and his chasting dish.
Belkin Slate and his decomposed mate.
Something somebody and their thing.
Arbuthnot clegg and his part time leg.
yeah you would think with the japs having been cooked on a couple of occasions they would at least cook their bastard food.
Stodge boglemart and his septic arse.
Wot the fuk is tapas?

Outgoing
They probably used to it cooking itself in the old green glow. From the old cities while their children gently mutate.
An erudite and illuminating reply. I am your humble and ever tilted savant. And as for sushi, bollocks to the raw shite that it is. I like meat, and cake!
Sintered filofax and his dejected furnace
Don't know whaj annoys me more, adverts for french shite like petit bastard filoux or a cockney fuck with a flash fuckin' mop! Coonts, the lot of them! Soiling my telly, I'll have them boiled!
Eldridge Pope and his irrigated slope.
Arnold Clack and his nutty slack.
Hilda Baker and her soiled quaker.
Titus Salt and his irksome colt.
Finley Clamp and his rubber stamp
Tarquin puce and his stagnant goose
Tarquin Tump and his malignant lump.
Bex Bissel and his Patrick Thistle
Arnold crampon and his integral tampon
Fred Bread and his dread bed. Soz!
Pete Clete and his replete feet
Matt neill and his buckled wheel and his plate of veal and his dodgy deal and gs orange peel
Twitchy the tramp and his lamp clamp.
Herr Clamp and his xenon lamp.
Good evening and welcome to THINGS I HAVEN'T GOT. Tonight i haven't got aniseed, a threshing machine or nodules.
Good evening and welcome to THINGS OVER THERE.. Tonight over there are: a candle in a colored glass thing, a light on a stick and a wood pole.

Two bowls and only one club. What's the world coming to? There will be a lamp stroke post disparity next, or my names not Susan!

Arnold Traction and his putrid faction.

Things catch fire there. Dont break tradition. Fuck is nowhere sacred?
I want to put a cow in it and see how sacred they really are.

A pig would elicit a greater reaction oi reckon.
Sorry, me a bit vague on religous foibles. Thought that was jews. But you are riit dirty pig dog fuck common concept in religous fuckwit concepts, along with the pulpit and tussock.
Nail a cog to a dog, float it on a log in a bog. Take the log, make a clog then fill it with soup. Don't know why really.
Listening to that leningrad cowboys cd that i have been after for ages annits good anoive gorrit.

Where you get those Cowboys?
Blebay
Blow well. Spoze more will apen zumwear zum ow. Bi

Gorrum ha!
I amp gorrum norrawon avagot. Av gorra thrap extracter int kitchen tho. An a guitar an a guitar an some stuff an a bloked drane an a wok

An a crossblow an crossblow blolts

Algernon trebuchet toluene guppy, me

Just unleashed napalm and goolash on the world, they sniffed it a bit., me

May they be speared by a gibbering fool with a false arse and no respect for bridges., mouse

That made me guffaw heartily.ho I went, and ho again. Many chortlement did I issue forth., me

Nedward Heath and his ceremonial teeth, me

Now I am hard of sump. Life is shite., me

I am eating battemburg cuz my telly broke., me

Ah window cake. Nice., Mouse

Oh yes, and with private as a frame., me

Marzipan is

Hunce?, Mouse

Oh i feel such a fool., Mouse

So you bloody shud! Wossapnindown there?, me

Just me and curly top supping coider ooh arr etc., Mouse

I had to butcher a couch because it would't go out. Now it is., me

Purgiter spume and his trolley of doom., mouse

Reginald Creed in his hour of need, me

Unctious blee and his appreciation of the tree., mouse

Chairman mao and his rancid cow, me

Excellent!, Mouse

Im on a train to windemere but im not going there., Mouse

Coincidence or what? I'm on a chair in Cove but I'm not going there., me

Gonna write a pop song, gonna write it in a wops thong., Mouse

Reginald Dwight and his bag of Shite., me

Kevin Spool and his multi-tool.

Well we are in talkin., mouse

Oh, as in Talkin Tarn, wot I have been on in a boat, it gets my vote, me

Its near carlisle.

Yup. Staying in the blacksmiths arms. Which is nice.

Oh great, Eddy has caught a leaf, a dead leaf, the mighty hunter strikes. Oh and Hermione, wot sort of names that for a trout? Eh?, me

Blenkin sop and his cosseted fop., mouse

Nice, me

Rabbits throwing wee at each other, rabbits throwing poo at each other, rabbits, rabbits!, mouse

Thats my rabbit song., mouse

Thats my rabbit song. ITS DED GUD AND SHUD BE MOLLUSCED, me

I have more than one rabbit song., mouse

In fact i have two., mouse

Good you., me

That's a lot, nearly three!, me

And then i have songs about my rabbit songs., mouse

You're onto a good thing, inspired by rodents, could be an albumen., me

Glimp., me

Meridith Pantry and his paltry gantry, me

Reginald keen and his dancing spleen., mouse

Stephi Graaf and her epi taph, me

Billie Piper and her windscreen wiper, me

Dick Morgan and his shrunken organ, me

Michael Palin and his twine for bailing, me

Bill Gates and his orange crates, me

Alan Partridge and his inkjet cartridge, me

General Custarand his hazelnut cluster, me

Peter O'toole and his Cromptons Mule., me

Nedward Heath and his ceremonial teeth, me

revelations genesis deutironomy and berts book of beer. Mouse

Mike Post and his boiled toast, me

Catafalque terrapin musclebound cheeseboard, me

Famine, pestilence, war and athletes foot., me

Fanny Craddock and her rampant haddock, me

Wild Willy Barrett and his clapped out Garrett
which is a type of train, me

Dawn French and her rotund trench
which is a type of hole, me

Terry Smith and his crumbly cliff
which is a high edge thing, me

Tarka the otter and it's train spotter
which is just a twat, me

Bloody hell, there's a name; Ignacio Monge
one of the authors of Halloween, the DVDA by FZ, me

Timmy Mallet and his squeeky pallet.
Jimmy White & his bag of shite
I saw a registration plate in Glasgow I want;
C1ANK
the bastard!, all me

I hope the Pope lives on for years. It's good to see it gurgling at catholics through windows. What a figurehead, serves the fuckin' christians right, mouse

I think he is just about right for sticking in a dalek., mouse

A watched dog never coils., me

I prefer the game of gorp. Pretend everything you have is brown and then stare at mutton., mouse

"fitness to practise" by alan kay - very good songs, youll like

sorry, adam kay

Nice things like menstrual rag and quadriplegic song :-) night

Fresh as tomorrow, good for you, good for me, don't wait till tomorrow, better go and get some bread., me

South Yorkshire caravans, you can go inside and do stuff.

McEwans make the best pint,the best pint,the best pintMcEwans make the best pint,you put it in a glass., me

Papa? wot?

Aah! Gravy., me

Bum bum bum bum Parafin.

Put some petrol in your tank., me

And all because the lady loves chocolates., me

Or cocoa based sweet meats.

Woe, tampons., me

The milky bar kid is small and white, his bars of choc are white and shite,, me

Now listening to No Angle by Dildo. Nice album, she has a voice like polished suet and the production is almost synchromesh., me

Happy twatting fuckpigging bastard Bastard christmas.

Merry sputum and a fulcrum of new years.Seasons bleatings.Happence nuggets.May your turkeys be dead and your parsnips pointy., me

Just getting up. Foggy here. Christmas? Bollocks more like.Sitting in my bog,while all around is fog,herd of cats all fuck aboutwhile I drop a festive log., me

Parp.

See that girl Grout her spleen she is the dancing Kween.

Fuck aye! i would gladly breathe the air of people who bark in the hoop of becoming clinically foul.

Whitbread big head,trophy bitter,the pint that thinks its a quart,its got the body, the body,that satisfies,it can't be modest,no matter how it triescuz it's the big head bitter,trophy bitter,the best that you ever bought,whitbread big head trophy bitter,the pint that thinks its a brown liquid., me

Hello Dob, bought some cheap second hand CD's by Insane Clown Posse (ICP), Worth a search on the net methinks. Tomsk

Now some stuff from the phone archive, in no particulate order:

Just watching the Texas Coleslaw Massacre. Apparently some bones in a room with feathers is frightening. Walter & Smike play with knives in a van was anouse with about a dozen kittens, can see a reason for that. But not a dredger., me

Cripes:and last night I dreamt about a dredger, fuck knows what prompted that! It was dredging, they do that.Last week there was one about somebodies house with about a dozen kittens, can see a reason for that. But not a dredger., me

It wasn't a big one, just a tug with a bucket.

My rabbit songs are the best i wrote them in my vest at a customers request i wrote them in my vest., mouse

Sand blighted sand. Gnarled lady with twisted scent. Wind blowing ever faster... Etc, mouse

The wind is cold, the wind is wet, and I have got, a TV set, it is quite wide, it is quite high, and I have got a chicken pie, my car has got a hubcap loose, cuz driving it, I hit a goose, it was sitting outside my hoose, it had escaped from a broken noose. When the goose got loose from it's noose, I then tried to catch it in a papoose. Fuckin' bastard rampant goose., me

Today i shall mainly be hideous., mouse

Loopingtons:

tortuos harlot

purloin mollusc

fetid accrue

diabolical loofah

turgid clump

canker guru

flaccid hamper

gullible crimper